A Father's Love

[written a couple weeks ago]

I toss. I turn. I pray.

My pillow grows wet with tears.  

I have a friend on the line. 

And I am desperately clinging to the feet of Jesus. 

Desperately. 

Hours pass. And yet I wrestle. 

And suddenly I am struck by this thought.

If I can so love, be so invested in one individual, if my heart can feel like it is breaking for one…

What does my Father's heart feel like when He has seven billion people to cry for?

I'm thankful He loves. I'm thankful He cares. 

And I'm thankful He sees where I do not. 

Just Trust Me…

Three weeks ago my ideas were different. My plans unaltered.
I was organized. Everything was under control. It was all laid out perfectly (or so I thought).

But then things started happening.
And all of a sudden, within one week, I found a bunch of my plans flipped on their heads.

Dead end.

And I felt myself straining a bit at the reins. Because my personality likes to be on top of things, be organized, have things under control.

I hear a still, small Voice.
Just trust Me…

But, of course! Of course all things are really in the hands of His Majesty.
Yet sometimes, despite all the evidence from the past, I forget.
It's unfortunate. And it's unnecessary.

And so for a short while after each thing arose, I questioned. I wrestled. I surrendered.
But within me echoed and reechoed those simple words.
Just trust Me…

And so I trusted Him to see where I couldn't. Because obviously I didn't understand.
And He did. He always does…
I'm the slow one. The blind one.

And now looking back only a couple weeks later, most everything has already been resolved.

This week my A&P teacher overrode the system to get me into her class for fall semester.
The microbiology teacher said I can probably get into her class and lab too.

And all that after I wasn't able to register for the classes I wanted.

The Phoenix convention center was able to accommodate my date change. 

My other GYC-related meeting was rescheduled despite conflicts at both ends.

The family of one of my volunteers is going to be in the area exactly during our site visit.
And all that after my GYC site check and meeting plans had been unexpectedly interrupted.

And God's voice echoes again.
Just trust Me.

Today: A Gift

Birds chirp merrily outside my window, a tiding of spring.
New life will soon be bursting forth beneath melting snow.
Little seedlings sheltered indoors are pushing their green heads toward the sunlight.

It's a promising time of year.

Yet in one week I hear of birth, of death, of sickness, of sorrow. My heart is full.

So often we take things for granted, life especially. 

We don't stop to think that we might not wake up tomorrow.
That we might be in an accident next week.
That we might contract a serious disease next month.
That we might not live to see another year.

There is that possibility you know…

And I've been struck afresh with this one thought.

Live each day as if it were your last.

Ideal World

We are walking down our driveway treading gingerly over icy patches. And as the brisk air turns cheeks to rosy red, we dialogue. It's just the two of us, mother and daughter, surrounded by pine trees enclosed by gray sky.

My mind is full. Thoughts dart back and forth like a confused colony of bumblebees. I feel as though my life is falling apart, yet I remind myself that it is not. It just feels like it.

And as I expound on my feelings to my patiently listening mother, she starts to smile. I've always been a perfectionist, and this is no exception. But somehow I've lost perspective.

Her words gently bring me back to reality as she articulates those very things I need to hear.

I want to live an ideal life in an unideal world. And I realize that what I think is "ideal" really isn't realistic. Yet there is perfection in every step of the journey, and I must learn to love each chapter of life He brings.

So I am seeking to simply do my best and not rake myself over the coals wishing I could have "done better" when in reality I have already done my best. Because this is just another one of the devil's traps, convincing me that I am compromising when God says perfection is in the journey. It's easy to forget experientially, but I'm learning.

God looks at the heart, not the checklist.

And when He is in my life, my world is ideal.

Misplaced Trust

{Jeremiah 48}

Treasures and trophies. Accomplishments and accolades.

All blow away on the winds of adversity when you’ve placed your trust in the wrong places.

Sanctuary is promised in surrender. Safety is secured in sacrifice. 

Everything else is chaff…

Try the Reins

{Jeremiah 17}

A contrasting passage.

Deserts and rivers. Salt plains and lush foliage. Blessings and curses. 

And who or what deserves this comparison? Humanity.

It’s a distinction… 

Between those who trust in man and those who trust in God.

Between those who make flesh their strength and those who make the Lord their hope.

Between those who depart from the Lord and those who seek His face continually.

Yes, this is the basis of the contrast made previously.

As the One who searches and knows the depths of every heart gently tugs on the reins, He watches to see whether we will quickly turn in response to His guidance, whether we will hesitate or whether we will refuse in outright defiance. 

It is His divine measure which we all must encounter. A standard that our eternal salvation rests upon.

He is trying my reins. What will be my response?

What will be yours?

False Security

{Jeremiah 8}

“Peace, peace,” they cry, “when there is no peace.” {Jeremiah 8:11}

The perceived security of being God’s chosen people is crumbling silently beneath their feet.
They have put their trust in the wrong places.

Horses and human wisdom will ultimately fail. Only One is safe to trust; only One will never let us down.

Throw off the false security of being a professed “Christian” and grasp the never-failing hand of the One who never fails…

Humanity may fail us. Heaven will not.

No More Tears

It's not easy to say goodbye and leave familiar faces, places, and memories behind. And there is valid cause for tears… Because we were not created to ever say goodbye. Earth was created to be a haven of companionship, friendship, togetherness…

Yet I cannot, will not, allow my tears to obliterate the signs of His love…
It's everywhere.

In countless boxes stacked inside a quickly-emptying basement and spread outside on the grass.
In many willing hands and hearts.
In meals generously prepared by loving hands.

In the laughter with a precious little friend I love dearly.
In a heart to heart talk with my friend of 12 years around the subdivision block one last time.
In joint tears while embracing my adopted little "sister."

 

In a big yellow truck branded, Penske.
In many passing miles, slowly carrying me away from one of the only homes I've known.
In phone calls and chats with friends.

In quiet silence driving a loaded van and trailer behind the truck.
In sunlight streaming through the hotel window.
In a song reminding me to Be Still…

His love is impossible for me to ignore. I see the fingerprints of His infinite care for me everywhere I look. And this reassurance encourages me to never stop trusting, never stop singing…

I miss you my friends… And although I definitely hope to see each of you again still on earth, my greatest desire is to be reunited forever in the heavenly courts above.

"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away." {Revelation 21:4}

No more parting. No more tears.

Oh I long for that place…

From Broken to Beautiful

I look down into dark beautiful eyes, still searching to answer the question of focus and stroke incredibly soft olive skin. I gently finger a dainty nose, delicate ears and tiny lips, all the while fighting mixed emotions.

(Forgive iPhone quality!) :)

Tears from a broken heart and smiles from a heart full of joy clash violently.  Why should such a tiny bundle of joy, still several ounces shy of five pounds, have to face such an uncertain future?

Merely the meaning of her name (unconsciously chosen) encourages me to trust her in my Father’s hands. Kirstin—follower of Christ.

I heard a staggering statistic the other week.
One out of three children grow up without their biological father. One in three.
The United States is the leading country for fatherless homes.

If that doesn’t cause your eyes to become moist, read it again.

Our fathers, our leaders are absent.
It is no wonder society is so utterly degraded and our nation is spinning out of control.

 
Yet sitting in the darkened NICU hospital room, gazing into dark little eyes, I can’t help but be amazed at God’s creative power. How He can turn the results of the ugliest situation into something so perfect, so completely dependent, so innocent.

And I ponder how God can take me, an ugly result of sin and transform me into an innocent little girl, learning to be entirely reliant on Him, entitled to be adopted in His family, to become an heir of eternal riches.

Yes, He makes all things beautiful in His time…

I choose to trust Him.


{Note: This is not my baby, just the daughter of a friend.}